Cruisin' down High, Long Lake, and through the country

We've all had the experience of listening to a particular song or album and being transported back in time to a specific moment. For this reason it's hard for me to listen to a lot of Ryan Adams, Radiohead, anything emo, Iron and Wine, or Death Cab. All for different reasons.

Anyway, I was at the Yeah Yeah Yeah's concert last night and was reminded of my many friends all over the globe who I've shared some intense times with...good and bad. It's almost as if I was transplanted to driving down High St. with Kat or smoking a joint with Abbey on her deck. Or having a power hour with Laura in her dirty-ass Ukrainian apartment whilst eating red beans and rice.

The power of music is really amazing. Often while driving and listening to the radio, "Hey Jude" will come on the radio and I can't help but cry. I remember one particular day, maybe 8 years ago, driving into the setting sun on Long Lake and hearing that song and having to pull over because of the flood of tears. It reminds me of my dad...every time.

Iron and Wine will eternally remind me of train travel. It was my default train music in Ukraine and did I ride those trains. Weekly. I can always picture the flat Ukrainian countryside whizzing (generously speaking) past me and catching glimpses of a foreign people's life. Wooden carts stacked so high with hay. The fields set afire at the end of harvest. It reminds me of the unbearable heat and cold I experienced and the random/weird conversations I got myself into. The dirty glances, the toothless smiles (though rare-the smile part, not the toothless). Sometimes I put these albums on just for this reason...to go back. Nostalgia.

I actually started writing this about friends and the difficulty it is to meet good quality people. I've gone out now with some internet people- I know, I know. Lame, but I'm not sure how else to go about meeting people now. I can't say I've had any horrible experiences, but it really just makes me miss my friends more. So many of these people are just not interesting. They have nothing to say. They don't "do" anything. Yeah, they work- and that's it. That's not how I live or want to live. I enjoy going out and experiencing different things. I enjoy being pushed to the limit of my comfort zone (I'm meeting people online, aren't I?). Maybe these people are just so hard up for a date or love that they try too hard. I don't know. I'm not looking for anything now except some good friends. Is that too much to ask? I want some cool ass, smart, fun, intelligent friends. I know it takes time, but shit. I just want some porch friends. Does that make sense to you? (you know who you are)

I want friends that make me feel the way "1979" makes you feel. I want friends to create good and bad music memories with. I want friends that will put a song on the juke box just for me and then glance across the bar to shoot you that "yeyah, you know what I'm talking about" look. 

My? swollen eyes

My eyes feel like they're going to fall out of my head.

I've had one of the worst weeks in a really, really long time.  It started last Sunday when the first guy I've liked and dated in awhile, suddenly called things quits (via text message ) and said some hurtful, yet honest, things (via AIM).  Why not a Post-it?.  We hit it off well, so it stung bad. Needless to say, Monday was a long day at work of crazy thoughts going through my mind. We've since decided to try to stay friends; something I'd really like to happen.  So the week was on an upswing until...

my mom decided that last night at 3:00 a.m. would be the perfect time to tell me all the things she doesn't like about me, things I do wrong, and all the things I need to improve.  The rant continued with all the things I need to do to get my life sorted out...as if she somehow thought she was enlightening me, as if I'm completely unaware of how bad my life sucks right now, as if these things aren't running through my mind 90% of my waking time.  Then, Terry decided he wanted to add his two sense in, and because I attempted to respond to one of his questions, kicked me out of the house.  So I left and went for an hour-long walk in Pontiac at 4:00 a.m.  I must have looked like a crazy whore walking around crying in a skirt and trench coat.  Shit- total drama.  I finally made it back around 5:00 not feeling any better.  

You know in the movies, when someone gets the shit kicked out of them by relentless thugs...when the guys just keep kicking and throwing punches even when the dude's down...?  Emotionally, that's how I'm feeling this week.   I just feel like I'm living my life this week through the eyes of someone else, creepily spying on me from behind a tree in the distance.  

And now these spying, emotionally-drained eyes feel like they're going to fall out of my head.  I wish they would, so I could get mine back.

Give a dog a bone

Ever had the rug pulled out from under you?  It's not an awesome feeling.  

I am extremely patient, but I'd really like a bone sent my way.  

Four months later

I was a little intoxicated the other night and made a realization about something that happened to me (and I suspect I'm not alone in this amongst fellow volunteers) while in Ukraine. I was alone A LOT in Ukraine and I grew to really like it- but that's beside the point.  What inadvertently happened was that "me" as a person became very defined.  I grew more into an individual because I was alone so much and had to find ways to entertain myself.  This forced me to really discover what it is that keeps me going, what my true interests are...

I had little access to a television (it only worked if my neighbor was watching TV), internet, pop culture, news, etc... Therefore, the things that I did look up on the internet were things that were important to me.  I didn't spend hours searching for stupid shit- I was paying for my time.  I didn't get force fed info and ideas.  I went specifically searching.  This is the same with television. Ideas, shows, concepts, products were not involuntary.  I made a point to learn something, so I cultivated a more intense sense of identity as a result.  I consider this to be a really cool side effect of my experience in Ukraine.  

Also, I now realize that what I learned from this experience will continue for the rest of my life.  My learning didn't halt in December.  Revelations will present themselves to me for the rest of my life.  Just another reason that I will never regret those 27 months, no matter how alone I felt sometimes, how cold my toes were at nights, how many frowns I grew to abhor, or how high of an alcohol tolerance I came back with.

Purple Heart

I've always been one who values quality over quantity.  This is especially true of the people I choose to be around and befriend.  I truly believe I have some of the most intelligent, funny, talented, and compassionate friends around.  I feel lucky.  (This is a disclaimer for the following...)

This past weekend I visited C-bus for the Color: Purple show.  I always feel rejuvenated after spending time around my friends; this time included.  Even though the visit was brief, it energized me and made me feel at home.  However, it made me realize that C-bus is not the place for me anymore.  This takes nothing away from my friends, but reaffirmed that people come and go, but real friends are there for you no matter- even distance.  (I know, this is cliche, but cliches exist for a reason.)  I know I keep writing about "home" and "being in Detroit", blah blah blah, but it's a difficult thing for me to wrap my mind around.  I feel better about being here though after this last visit and I can't exactly figure out why, but some things are better felt than said. 

My life is slowly coming together here.  Hopefully in the coming months I can get a car, my own apartment, and thus, independence!  So if I could just transplant all my friends to D-troit, my life would be complete.  But, I'll be okay with a 3.5 hour drive every now and again too.

I miss not missing

Maybe I've set myself up to be in the situations that I've been in for the past, I don't know- 3 years, but I'm sick of missing things.  It's not a particularly good feeling and one that prevents me from living in the present to some extent.  When you have a longing for something that isn't present, do you really enjoy and appreciate what you have.  I always try to stay positive, but sometimes this missing overtakes me.  I also always try to live in the present, so this makes for personal struggle within.

In Ukraine I missed people- friends and family, even the familiar faces of people around town that I didn't necessarily know.  I missed the familiarity of home.  I missed spice, diversity, art, movies, going to the Park of Roses and reading on a blanket, affection, kayaking- the list could go on.  The only good thing about this particular situation was that I knew, more or less, what I was getting myself into.  (Okay, rabid dogs, frozen bodies, and rogue ears not included.)  So mentally and emotionally I was as prepared as I could be for this missing.

What I didn't expect was all the things I would miss once I got home.  I guess I mistakenly equivocated missing with not being home.  But, then again, I suppose home is an elusive idea for me.   I miss Ukraine, but it's not the overwhelming missing feeling that I feel towards other unexpected things.  I really miss having a sanctuary all my own.  Yeah, I have that personal sanctuary inside, but physically, I don't have a place to call mine.  This bothers me a lot.  I've been on my own for almost 8 years, and now I live with mom.  Shit.  It could be worse, yes.  But, I can't listen to my music at my volume, can't cook what I want, how I want, walk from the bathroom naked, have an intense painting night and leave things out for tomorrow...Again, this list could go on.  Anyone who knows me knows that I am an extremely independent person and that intensified, for better or worse, living alone in Ukraine.  

I miss knowing where I'm going.  I miss knowing where to go.  I miss having someone to go with.  I miss live music.  I miss wine nights with good friends.  I miss feeling productive and like I'm contributing something positive to society.  I miss not owning a TV and reading (yes, this is my own American weakness).  

When will this missing end?  I hope I haven't set myself up for a life of missing things.  That's no way to live.

So, here I am.

I'm kind of in this relationship.  I don't really know what we are and I honestly don't care. That's not saying that I don't like him- I do, or at least I like spending time with him.  That's the same, right?  I don't know.  Anyway, people keep asking me, "how's it going?".  I say good- because it is.  This is then followed by an inquisitive "...and?"  And, what?  What do they want to hear?  

I've never been conventional, so why would they suddenly expect convention?  Actually, I'm probably even less conventional since being in Ukraine.  Things are going well with this guy, at least from my perspective.  We have fun.  He busts my balls.  We share similar values and aesthetics.  He listens to good music.  He's smart.  He challenges and inspires me.  I have a friend.  That's good.  It's organic.  

I don't even know if I want anything more than what we have. Maybe. But, I just don't know (why are people always afraid of this answer?) I'm in a new and different place and figuring out how it all fits together with my "new eyes".  I've got a lot of soon-to-be changes (I hope) in front of me.  For now, this is the only part of my life that seems to be working, but once the dynamic changes, everything will be rearranged.   Plus, he's a stranger in a strange city too; I can definitely empathize with this situation.  

I guess what I'm saying is there are a lot of "I don't knows" in my life currently, so, why not let this be what it is- something with a definitive answer.

Good, with no "and....".

E.B. and L.B

"If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day."

- E.B. White

Spring's coming and the sap's a flowin'

I thought I knew just about all there was to know about planting seasons, harvest seasons, and mating seasons.  Not so.

As I was laying in bed last night trying to get some sleep in case I was called to substitute early in the morning, I was rudely disturbed from my pleasant reverie.  The noises I heard took me back to the days when I lay awake in my Ukrainian apartment listening to the pigs and chickens, but this time, the noise was geese.  Wooooowoooonk.  Woooowoooongk.

The noise was relentless and unattractive.  What the fuck?!  So, at about three in the morning I decided to do some research.  I googled "goose mating season".  Voila!  A goose's mating season is February-March.  

I was being kept up by fucking geese.  Not fair.

Funkiere

Man, do I love dancing.  I went to this abandoned warehouse Friday night with a friend and his co-workers to experience some Funky Soul.  The warehouse itself reminded me a little of my Soviet apartment building, but in the bowels of Detroit.  Kind of one in the same...kidding...kind of.  When we arrived there was about 200 people or so getting warmed up to dance with BYOB-alcohol and herb.  As the night progressed, about another 300 people joined in the funk, with the majority of people dancing.  The crowd seemed to be mostly young high school burb kids, but nonetheless I realized how much I miss dancing, especially with my friends.  There is such an energy generated with my friends and dancing...and this music would have been right up their alley.  I, naturally, danced, danced, danced, whilst thinking of my friends' smiles that I miss.  It was an all-round good night of funk and soul.

Conclusion:  I need to learn some breakdancing moves.  That would be badass.

What also is interesting is the etymology of the word funk:  from the French word funkiere "smoke" and first used in 1959 in reference to cheese- old, musty.  It then came into jazz to mean earthy, strong, deeply felt and in the 1960s it acquired a broader slang sense of fine, stylish, and excellent; all quite apropos for describing the evening.

How can you hate the rain when it irrigates the crops?

Ode to my friends and the rain...

It's raining, it's pouring.

The old man is snoring.

Went to bed, bumped his head.

Couldn't get up in the morning.

The score was 6-nothing.

The cooties were ahead.

The bedbugs hit a home run

And knocked him out of bed

The Indian's rubber beefsteak, 

the discontented cheese

The weinie did a flip-flop 

into the pot of peas.

Hold tight.  Hold tight.  Hold tight, hold tight.

Fugadarakasaki

Want some seafood mama?

Shrimpers and rice-

They're very nice.

Ouroboric realization. minus the dogs

Sometimes it blows my mind that I actually lived in Ukraine.  I had these moments while I was still there where I would just look around and be like, "fuck, I live here.  This is my life."  It's pretty cool to think about.  I mean, not to sound all on my high horse, but it's pretty amazing.  Not anyone could or would do that.

Now I guess I'm struggling with the reality that I live in Detroit.  I'm kind of stuck here temporarily until I have enough money to relocate.  It's not terrible; it's not where I thought I'd be.  However, it is.  So, I think now that I have realized this, I need to realize my potential here and create a life here for myself.

It's strange to think that I feel like such a foreigner in this city.  It's where I spent the first 18 years of my life; 18 years underage and at a different place in my life.  I guess that's the discrepancy.  Now I find myself back at the beginning, coming full circle- like the ouroboros (top tattoo idea).  Even in Ukraine, I didn't feel like I do here.  There I had a role.  Here, well, I'm finding that.  Shit, when I lived in Columbus I was always seeing live music, friends, eating good food, going to art shows, having art shows, sitting in and drinking some wine, chilling on a porch, going for a bike ride, sitting in the park, getting lost, creating.  Here, I feel vacant of all things I love and live to be surrounded by.  So, all I'm saying is it's hard and weird and real. And new.

Which is good, right?  It's like, "fuck, I live here."

Purple Con't.

Spent the day painting and this is what I came up with for my second piece.  Purple show.

La empieza de la revolucion

So I started my revolution with a bang.  I went down to the newly remodeled DIA. It was nice, but nothing spectacular.  They have a much bigger contemporary collection now, which I appreciate.  They also have an interesting African American art collection.  Overall, not bad.  

I continued my day with dinner at my sister's.  Fondue.  Yum.  

Then I wanted to check out a bar down on 7 mile I had heard about.  So, I drove there, but it was closed...I think forever.  I decided to head to another locale and have a few beers.  I ended up meeting an interesting guy and we chatted for a few hours with a few beers on him.  We exchanged numbers and he already contacted me.  Perhaps I'll make plans for later this week with him.

I also sent some emails out to some couchsurfing buddies in the area and we're going to meet up next week.  My network is getting bigger.  Fuck yeah.

THEN...this morning my mom found some contraband I left in the car.  She wanted to throw it away, I said no, and she gave it back to me.  Pretty cool, but really embarrassing.  Can't have it all.

Avoiding and Embracing the D.

I've never been in a situation like I am in now.  A situation not conducive to making friends, one with no money, one with no culture.  Shit man, it's making me crazy.  Even in Ukraine, I had friends who were in similar places as me- despite living hours from one another.  We had a common bond.  Ukraine didn't have much cultural diversity or events, but at least everything was fresh and new to me.  Detroit...blah.

I'm enjoying being around my family more than the last 8 years of my life.  I am interested in helping rebuild Detroit.  There is such a brain drain here that I feel like I would be a great asset to this city, but something's got to give.

I feel like all the things that aren't going well in my life are all intertwined and I'm  not sure what to do about it.  Can't make friends without having money to go out.  Don't have money without a job.  Don't have my sanctuary place because I don't have an apartment.  Don't have a place to invite people over.  Don't have people to invite over.  I know that this is not the way to think.  It's fucking hard to meet people in this city,  especially being a woman.  I don't have a problem doing things by myself, but I don't want to just have sex with men and this is what a lot of them want. Woman don't want to make friends with other woman- I'm not sure the reason for this.   I don't want to fall into a slight depression.  This is all new to me.  So what can I do?

I'm making a goal for myself to visit one cultural thing a week.  Some ideas: DIA, Pewabic, art shows, music shows.  God, I miss Columbus for this reason.  I'm going to investigate taking a class or joining some type of group...but it's just so Lifetime channel for me.  Ideas: bocci team, art class, language class, book club, volunteering (I really need to start getting paid for my work).  It's like my song still needs a chorus.

I guess the difficulty for me is that I've never had to work this hard for things to fall into place for me.  I've had some good karmic energy on this front in the past.  I've never had problems finding a job, making friends, finding the right places to be or go.  I suppose this is a good thing for me.  It'll build character and a part of me that is underdeveloped.  Right?

Viva la revolucion!

Gone Fishin'

It's not even that I necessarily believe in reincarnation.  But I definitely believe in the exchange of energy that takes place between things. 

 

I have an intense spiritual association to fish.  I love to surround myself with images of fish.  I have fish jewelry (you all know m

y fish pendant), paint fish, have always had a pet fish, gravitate towards Pisces, and love coastal areas more than anything.  I have this connection that lies somewhere inside of me.  There's a serenity to them.  *I've always thought that this is the reason I don't eat fish.  I'm not a cannibal.

This being said, I've never actually thought or explored the deeper significance behind this penchant.  Here's my first attempt.

I'm a real Aquarian, through and through.  I am the water bearer.  Water is an archetype of the unknown, the depths of knowledge, and the subconscious.  And from this water springs life.  I mean, it is where we all started millions of years ago.  What is more associated with water than fish?- which have traditionally been representativ

e of fertility, eternity, creativity, femininity, good luck, happiness, knowledge, and transformation.

There isn't one of those words that I don't consider a major part of my personal values and hold to some sort of esteem.  In particular, I've always had a connection with knowledge and transformation.  I believe knowledge to be the solution to most of the problems in this ever-unsympathetic world.  Once we have the understanding of where people come from, what their words mean, why the act as they do, things usually become more clear.  

Transformation:  I was talking with my friend Abbey last night and she reminded me of something I said to her years ago- a sort of mantra that she lives by.  I vaguely remember saying this particular thing to her, but for some reason I think she believed it more then than I did, even as the words were coming out of my mouth.  I told her, "you need to prune in order to grow".  It's like a houseplant.  A houseplant will cease to grow new appendages (not the right word, but you get what I mean) if you don't prune its leaves.  One needs to shred the things holding them back in order to transform and blossom- to progress.  This is a beautiful thing.  This is an idea I hold close to my heart and try to always live by.  In fact, this is probably why I live- to grow into a better and better person.  I always make an earnest attempt at ridding my life of things that aren't working- sometimes too haphazardly.  

Time=change.  If we as individuals cease to change and transform inside, while our surroundings fail to cease outside of us, then shit hits the fan.  Things fail to coalesce.  

Change is a good thing for me; something I'm trying to embrace more and more of...even after all the (mis)adventures of Ukraine.

I guess that a fish is the perfect animal archetype for me.  Fuck that trickster, the wolf.  He's always causing problems.  

Loss and Found

I went to a funeral tonight.  It came at a strange time when I've been missing my dad a lot.  I've always said that if I could have any day given back to me it would be a day in which I could have an adult conversation with my dad.  I think he'd give me some sage advice right now.  Probably more than anyone; maybe because he's my dad and I would hold his advice on a pedestal. Maybe he was just smart.  Maybe I just want to know.  

Loss is a feeling that is felt by everyone at some point always.  We miss people, places, emotions, sensations- a look, a smell, a touch, a sound.  Loss is a horrible wound that takes time to heal.

It's interesting for me to see how people deal with loss.  How do you console loss?  It's nearly impossible.  You can be empathetic and sympathetic, but when you're in it; it seems like a never-ending road of emptiness and confusion.  You want to offer advice, but people aren't looking for advice at this time.  In fact, people rarely take action of other's advice unless they were going to do it anyway.   It's why I always say that it's a process.  You never get over loss; you get through it.  

It's the reason I still miss my dad.

Been Thinking...

So the thing to do is to cultivate the peace of mind which does not separate one's self from one's surroundings.  When that is done successfully, everything else should follow naturally.  Peace of mind produces right values, right values produce right thoughts.  Right thoughts produce right actions and right actions produce work which will be a material reflection for others to see the serenity at the center of it all.

Is it this easy?  I hope so.

The Purple Show

Book Worm

I had an infinite amount of time to read.  I was one of the few volunteers without a computer.  Here's what I read during my time in Ukraine

Hard-Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World- Murakami

The Secret History

Cradle to Cradle

Oryx and Crake- Margaret Atwood*

Geek Love

The Orchid Thief- Susan Orland

The TIpping Point- Gladwell

Lake Wobegon Summer 1965- Garrison Keiller

Make Lemonade- Wolfe

The Devil Wears Prada- Weisenberger

Skinny Legs and All- Tom Robbins*

Atlas Shrugged - Ayn Rand

The Red Pony- John Steinbeck*

White Teeth- Zadie Smith*

The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down- Fadiman**

Regarding The Pain of Others- Susan Sontag

Killing Yourself to Live - Chuck Klosterman

The Namesake- Lahiri

Freakanomics- Levitt and Dubner

More of Paul Harvey's The Rest of the Story

My Horizontal Life- Handler

Beloved- Toni Morrison*

All the Pretty Horses- Cormac McCarthy**

High Fidelity- Nick Hornsby

1984- Orwell

On The Road- Kerouac

How to Make an American Quilt- Otto

Pickled, Potted, and Canned- Sue Shepard

If On a Winter's Night- Italo Calvino**

Cloud Atlas- David Mitchell**

Confessions of an Economic Hitman- Perkins**

Travels With Charlie: In Search of America- Steinbeck

Middlesex- Eugenides**

The Memory Keeper's Daughter- Kim Edwards

In Search of Stones- M. Scott Peck

A Brief History of the Dead- Brockmeier

The Count of Monte Christo- Dumas*

Death on the Nile- Agatha Christie

Dear Exile- Montgomery

The Doors of Perception- Huxley

Heaven and Hell- Huxley

There's a (slight) Chance I Might Be Going to Hell- Notaro

The Cave- Jose Saramago***

Seabiscuit- Hillenbrand

In Cold Blood- Capote

The Old Man and the Sea- Hemingway*

East of Eden- Steinbeck**

One Thousand White Woman- Fergus

The Road- McCarthy***

The Sun Also Rises- Hemingway**

A Separate Peace- Knowles

The Kite Runner- Hosseini

The Grapes of Wrath- Steinbeck**

To the Ends of the Earth- Paul Theroux

The Unbearable Likeness of Being- Kundera

A Tree Grows In Brooklyn- Smith

The Moon is Down- Steinbeck

How Soccer Explains the World- Foer

What Is the What- Eggers

Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance- Pirsig

The Alchemist- Coehlo

Everything Is Illuminated- Safran Foer**

Invisible Monsters- Palahnuik

Charming Billy- McDermott

South of the Border, West of the Sun- Murakami*

The Secret Life of Bees- Monk Kidd

Mr. Maybe- Green

The Audacity of Hope- Obama

'Tis- McCourt

The House of Sand and Fog- Dubus III

Blood Meridian- McCarthy**

Catcher in the Rye- Salinger

The Great Gatsby- Fitzgerald

The Adventures of Tom Sawyer- Twain

The Know-it-all- Jacobs

Under the Banner of Heaven- Krakauer

Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs- Klosterman

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn- Twain*

Inperial Ambitions- Noam Chomsky

Disgrace- Coetzee

The Company She Keeps- Mary McCarthy

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Geography- Gonzalez

Made of Information- Poster

The Way of the Peaceful Warrior- Millman

The Snow Leopard- Matthiessen***

White Fang- London

Crime and Punishment- Dostoyevsky*

Testing Kate- Gaskell

On Beauty- Zadie Smith

No Country For Old Men- McCarthy*

Snow Falling On Cedars- Guterson

Siddhartha- Hesse

Moby Dick- Melville*

The Jungle- Upton Sinclair**

Holidays on Ice- Sedaris