My? swollen eyes

My eyes feel like they're going to fall out of my head.

I've had one of the worst weeks in a really, really long time.  It started last Sunday when the first guy I've liked and dated in awhile, suddenly called things quits (via text message ) and said some hurtful, yet honest, things (via AIM).  Why not a Post-it?.  We hit it off well, so it stung bad. Needless to say, Monday was a long day at work of crazy thoughts going through my mind. We've since decided to try to stay friends; something I'd really like to happen.  So the week was on an upswing until...

my mom decided that last night at 3:00 a.m. would be the perfect time to tell me all the things she doesn't like about me, things I do wrong, and all the things I need to improve.  The rant continued with all the things I need to do to get my life sorted out...as if she somehow thought she was enlightening me, as if I'm completely unaware of how bad my life sucks right now, as if these things aren't running through my mind 90% of my waking time.  Then, Terry decided he wanted to add his two sense in, and because I attempted to respond to one of his questions, kicked me out of the house.  So I left and went for an hour-long walk in Pontiac at 4:00 a.m.  I must have looked like a crazy whore walking around crying in a skirt and trench coat.  Shit- total drama.  I finally made it back around 5:00 not feeling any better.  

You know in the movies, when someone gets the shit kicked out of them by relentless thugs...when the guys just keep kicking and throwing punches even when the dude's down...?  Emotionally, that's how I'm feeling this week.   I just feel like I'm living my life this week through the eyes of someone else, creepily spying on me from behind a tree in the distance.  

And now these spying, emotionally-drained eyes feel like they're going to fall out of my head.  I wish they would, so I could get mine back.


Give a dog a bone

Ever had the rug pulled out from under you?  It's not an awesome feeling.  

I am extremely patient, but I'd really like a bone sent my way.  


Four months later

I was a little intoxicated the other night and made a realization about something that happened to me (and I suspect I'm not alone in this amongst fellow volunteers) while in Ukraine. I was alone A LOT in Ukraine and I grew to really like it- but that's beside the point.  What inadvertently happened was that "me" as a person became very defined.  I grew more into an individual because I was alone so much and had to find ways to entertain myself.  This forced me to really discover what it is that keeps me going, what my true interests are...

I had little access to a television (it only worked if my neighbor was watching TV), internet, pop culture, news, etc... Therefore, the things that I did look up on the internet were things that were important to me.  I didn't spend hours searching for stupid shit- I was paying for my time.  I didn't get force fed info and ideas.  I went specifically searching.  This is the same with television. Ideas, shows, concepts, products were not involuntary.  I made a point to learn something, so I cultivated a more intense sense of identity as a result.  I consider this to be a really cool side effect of my experience in Ukraine.  

Also, I now realize that what I learned from this experience will continue for the rest of my life.  My learning didn't halt in December.  Revelations will present themselves to me for the rest of my life.  Just another reason that I will never regret those 27 months, no matter how alone I felt sometimes, how cold my toes were at nights, how many frowns I grew to abhor, or how high of an alcohol tolerance I came back with.