I miss not missing

Maybe I've set myself up to be in the situations that I've been in for the past, I don't know- 3 years, but I'm sick of missing things.  It's not a particularly good feeling and one that prevents me from living in the present to some extent.  When you have a longing for something that isn't present, do you really enjoy and appreciate what you have.  I always try to stay positive, but sometimes this missing overtakes me.  I also always try to live in the present, so this makes for personal struggle within.

In Ukraine I missed people- friends and family, even the familiar faces of people around town that I didn't necessarily know.  I missed the familiarity of home.  I missed spice, diversity, art, movies, going to the Park of Roses and reading on a blanket, affection, kayaking- the list could go on.  The only good thing about this particular situation was that I knew, more or less, what I was getting myself into.  (Okay, rabid dogs, frozen bodies, and rogue ears not included.)  So mentally and emotionally I was as prepared as I could be for this missing.

What I didn't expect was all the things I would miss once I got home.  I guess I mistakenly equivocated missing with not being home.  But, then again, I suppose home is an elusive idea for me.   I miss Ukraine, but it's not the overwhelming missing feeling that I feel towards other unexpected things.  I really miss having a sanctuary all my own.  Yeah, I have that personal sanctuary inside, but physically, I don't have a place to call mine.  This bothers me a lot.  I've been on my own for almost 8 years, and now I live with mom.  Shit.  It could be worse, yes.  But, I can't listen to my music at my volume, can't cook what I want, how I want, walk from the bathroom naked, have an intense painting night and leave things out for tomorrow...Again, this list could go on.  Anyone who knows me knows that I am an extremely independent person and that intensified, for better or worse, living alone in Ukraine.  

I miss knowing where I'm going.  I miss knowing where to go.  I miss having someone to go with.  I miss live music.  I miss wine nights with good friends.  I miss feeling productive and like I'm contributing something positive to society.  I miss not owning a TV and reading (yes, this is my own American weakness).  

When will this missing end?  I hope I haven't set myself up for a life of missing things.  That's no way to live.

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