So, here I am.

I'm kind of in this relationship.  I don't really know what we are and I honestly don't care. That's not saying that I don't like him- I do, or at least I like spending time with him.  That's the same, right?  I don't know.  Anyway, people keep asking me, "how's it going?".  I say good- because it is.  This is then followed by an inquisitive "...and?"  And, what?  What do they want to hear?  

I've never been conventional, so why would they suddenly expect convention?  Actually, I'm probably even less conventional since being in Ukraine.  Things are going well with this guy, at least from my perspective.  We have fun.  He busts my balls.  We share similar values and aesthetics.  He listens to good music.  He's smart.  He challenges and inspires me.  I have a friend.  That's good.  It's organic.  

I don't even know if I want anything more than what we have. Maybe. But, I just don't know (why are people always afraid of this answer?) I'm in a new and different place and figuring out how it all fits together with my "new eyes".  I've got a lot of soon-to-be changes (I hope) in front of me.  For now, this is the only part of my life that seems to be working, but once the dynamic changes, everything will be rearranged.   Plus, he's a stranger in a strange city too; I can definitely empathize with this situation.  

I guess what I'm saying is there are a lot of "I don't knows" in my life currently, so, why not let this be what it is- something with a definitive answer.

Good, with no "and....".

E.B. and L.B

"If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day."

- E.B. White

Spring's coming and the sap's a flowin'

I thought I knew just about all there was to know about planting seasons, harvest seasons, and mating seasons.  Not so.

As I was laying in bed last night trying to get some sleep in case I was called to substitute early in the morning, I was rudely disturbed from my pleasant reverie.  The noises I heard took me back to the days when I lay awake in my Ukrainian apartment listening to the pigs and chickens, but this time, the noise was geese.  Wooooowoooonk.  Woooowoooongk.

The noise was relentless and unattractive.  What the fuck?!  So, at about three in the morning I decided to do some research.  I googled "goose mating season".  Voila!  A goose's mating season is February-March.  

I was being kept up by fucking geese.  Not fair.

Funkiere

Man, do I love dancing.  I went to this abandoned warehouse Friday night with a friend and his co-workers to experience some Funky Soul.  The warehouse itself reminded me a little of my Soviet apartment building, but in the bowels of Detroit.  Kind of one in the same...kidding...kind of.  When we arrived there was about 200 people or so getting warmed up to dance with BYOB-alcohol and herb.  As the night progressed, about another 300 people joined in the funk, with the majority of people dancing.  The crowd seemed to be mostly young high school burb kids, but nonetheless I realized how much I miss dancing, especially with my friends.  There is such an energy generated with my friends and dancing...and this music would have been right up their alley.  I, naturally, danced, danced, danced, whilst thinking of my friends' smiles that I miss.  It was an all-round good night of funk and soul.

Conclusion:  I need to learn some breakdancing moves.  That would be badass.

What also is interesting is the etymology of the word funk:  from the French word funkiere "smoke" and first used in 1959 in reference to cheese- old, musty.  It then came into jazz to mean earthy, strong, deeply felt and in the 1960s it acquired a broader slang sense of fine, stylish, and excellent; all quite apropos for describing the evening.

How can you hate the rain when it irrigates the crops?

Ode to my friends and the rain...

It's raining, it's pouring.

The old man is snoring.

Went to bed, bumped his head.

Couldn't get up in the morning.

The score was 6-nothing.

The cooties were ahead.

The bedbugs hit a home run

And knocked him out of bed

The Indian's rubber beefsteak, 

the discontented cheese

The weinie did a flip-flop 

into the pot of peas.

Hold tight.  Hold tight.  Hold tight, hold tight.

Fugadarakasaki

Want some seafood mama?

Shrimpers and rice-

They're very nice.

Ouroboric realization. minus the dogs

Sometimes it blows my mind that I actually lived in Ukraine.  I had these moments while I was still there where I would just look around and be like, "fuck, I live here.  This is my life."  It's pretty cool to think about.  I mean, not to sound all on my high horse, but it's pretty amazing.  Not anyone could or would do that.

Now I guess I'm struggling with the reality that I live in Detroit.  I'm kind of stuck here temporarily until I have enough money to relocate.  It's not terrible; it's not where I thought I'd be.  However, it is.  So, I think now that I have realized this, I need to realize my potential here and create a life here for myself.

It's strange to think that I feel like such a foreigner in this city.  It's where I spent the first 18 years of my life; 18 years underage and at a different place in my life.  I guess that's the discrepancy.  Now I find myself back at the beginning, coming full circle- like the ouroboros (top tattoo idea).  Even in Ukraine, I didn't feel like I do here.  There I had a role.  Here, well, I'm finding that.  Shit, when I lived in Columbus I was always seeing live music, friends, eating good food, going to art shows, having art shows, sitting in and drinking some wine, chilling on a porch, going for a bike ride, sitting in the park, getting lost, creating.  Here, I feel vacant of all things I love and live to be surrounded by.  So, all I'm saying is it's hard and weird and real. And new.

Which is good, right?  It's like, "fuck, I live here."

Purple Con't.

Spent the day painting and this is what I came up with for my second piece.  Purple show.

La empieza de la revolucion

So I started my revolution with a bang.  I went down to the newly remodeled DIA. It was nice, but nothing spectacular.  They have a much bigger contemporary collection now, which I appreciate.  They also have an interesting African American art collection.  Overall, not bad.  

I continued my day with dinner at my sister's.  Fondue.  Yum.  

Then I wanted to check out a bar down on 7 mile I had heard about.  So, I drove there, but it was closed...I think forever.  I decided to head to another locale and have a few beers.  I ended up meeting an interesting guy and we chatted for a few hours with a few beers on him.  We exchanged numbers and he already contacted me.  Perhaps I'll make plans for later this week with him.

I also sent some emails out to some couchsurfing buddies in the area and we're going to meet up next week.  My network is getting bigger.  Fuck yeah.

THEN...this morning my mom found some contraband I left in the car.  She wanted to throw it away, I said no, and she gave it back to me.  Pretty cool, but really embarrassing.  Can't have it all.

Avoiding and Embracing the D.

I've never been in a situation like I am in now.  A situation not conducive to making friends, one with no money, one with no culture.  Shit man, it's making me crazy.  Even in Ukraine, I had friends who were in similar places as me- despite living hours from one another.  We had a common bond.  Ukraine didn't have much cultural diversity or events, but at least everything was fresh and new to me.  Detroit...blah.

I'm enjoying being around my family more than the last 8 years of my life.  I am interested in helping rebuild Detroit.  There is such a brain drain here that I feel like I would be a great asset to this city, but something's got to give.

I feel like all the things that aren't going well in my life are all intertwined and I'm  not sure what to do about it.  Can't make friends without having money to go out.  Don't have money without a job.  Don't have my sanctuary place because I don't have an apartment.  Don't have a place to invite people over.  Don't have people to invite over.  I know that this is not the way to think.  It's fucking hard to meet people in this city,  especially being a woman.  I don't have a problem doing things by myself, but I don't want to just have sex with men and this is what a lot of them want. Woman don't want to make friends with other woman- I'm not sure the reason for this.   I don't want to fall into a slight depression.  This is all new to me.  So what can I do?

I'm making a goal for myself to visit one cultural thing a week.  Some ideas: DIA, Pewabic, art shows, music shows.  God, I miss Columbus for this reason.  I'm going to investigate taking a class or joining some type of group...but it's just so Lifetime channel for me.  Ideas: bocci team, art class, language class, book club, volunteering (I really need to start getting paid for my work).  It's like my song still needs a chorus.

I guess the difficulty for me is that I've never had to work this hard for things to fall into place for me.  I've had some good karmic energy on this front in the past.  I've never had problems finding a job, making friends, finding the right places to be or go.  I suppose this is a good thing for me.  It'll build character and a part of me that is underdeveloped.  Right?

Viva la revolucion!

Gone Fishin'

It's not even that I necessarily believe in reincarnation.  But I definitely believe in the exchange of energy that takes place between things. 

 

I have an intense spiritual association to fish.  I love to surround myself with images of fish.  I have fish jewelry (you all know m

y fish pendant), paint fish, have always had a pet fish, gravitate towards Pisces, and love coastal areas more than anything.  I have this connection that lies somewhere inside of me.  There's a serenity to them.  *I've always thought that this is the reason I don't eat fish.  I'm not a cannibal.

This being said, I've never actually thought or explored the deeper significance behind this penchant.  Here's my first attempt.

I'm a real Aquarian, through and through.  I am the water bearer.  Water is an archetype of the unknown, the depths of knowledge, and the subconscious.  And from this water springs life.  I mean, it is where we all started millions of years ago.  What is more associated with water than fish?- which have traditionally been representativ

e of fertility, eternity, creativity, femininity, good luck, happiness, knowledge, and transformation.

There isn't one of those words that I don't consider a major part of my personal values and hold to some sort of esteem.  In particular, I've always had a connection with knowledge and transformation.  I believe knowledge to be the solution to most of the problems in this ever-unsympathetic world.  Once we have the understanding of where people come from, what their words mean, why the act as they do, things usually become more clear.  

Transformation:  I was talking with my friend Abbey last night and she reminded me of something I said to her years ago- a sort of mantra that she lives by.  I vaguely remember saying this particular thing to her, but for some reason I think she believed it more then than I did, even as the words were coming out of my mouth.  I told her, "you need to prune in order to grow".  It's like a houseplant.  A houseplant will cease to grow new appendages (not the right word, but you get what I mean) if you don't prune its leaves.  One needs to shred the things holding them back in order to transform and blossom- to progress.  This is a beautiful thing.  This is an idea I hold close to my heart and try to always live by.  In fact, this is probably why I live- to grow into a better and better person.  I always make an earnest attempt at ridding my life of things that aren't working- sometimes too haphazardly.  

Time=change.  If we as individuals cease to change and transform inside, while our surroundings fail to cease outside of us, then shit hits the fan.  Things fail to coalesce.  

Change is a good thing for me; something I'm trying to embrace more and more of...even after all the (mis)adventures of Ukraine.

I guess that a fish is the perfect animal archetype for me.  Fuck that trickster, the wolf.  He's always causing problems.  

Loss and Found

I went to a funeral tonight.  It came at a strange time when I've been missing my dad a lot.  I've always said that if I could have any day given back to me it would be a day in which I could have an adult conversation with my dad.  I think he'd give me some sage advice right now.  Probably more than anyone; maybe because he's my dad and I would hold his advice on a pedestal. Maybe he was just smart.  Maybe I just want to know.  

Loss is a feeling that is felt by everyone at some point always.  We miss people, places, emotions, sensations- a look, a smell, a touch, a sound.  Loss is a horrible wound that takes time to heal.

It's interesting for me to see how people deal with loss.  How do you console loss?  It's nearly impossible.  You can be empathetic and sympathetic, but when you're in it; it seems like a never-ending road of emptiness and confusion.  You want to offer advice, but people aren't looking for advice at this time.  In fact, people rarely take action of other's advice unless they were going to do it anyway.   It's why I always say that it's a process.  You never get over loss; you get through it.  

It's the reason I still miss my dad.

Been Thinking...

So the thing to do is to cultivate the peace of mind which does not separate one's self from one's surroundings.  When that is done successfully, everything else should follow naturally.  Peace of mind produces right values, right values produce right thoughts.  Right thoughts produce right actions and right actions produce work which will be a material reflection for others to see the serenity at the center of it all.

Is it this easy?  I hope so.

The Purple Show

Book Worm

I had an infinite amount of time to read.  I was one of the few volunteers without a computer.  Here's what I read during my time in Ukraine

Hard-Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World- Murakami

The Secret History

Cradle to Cradle

Oryx and Crake- Margaret Atwood*

Geek Love

The Orchid Thief- Susan Orland

The TIpping Point- Gladwell

Lake Wobegon Summer 1965- Garrison Keiller

Make Lemonade- Wolfe

The Devil Wears Prada- Weisenberger

Skinny Legs and All- Tom Robbins*

Atlas Shrugged - Ayn Rand

The Red Pony- John Steinbeck*

White Teeth- Zadie Smith*

The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down- Fadiman**

Regarding The Pain of Others- Susan Sontag

Killing Yourself to Live - Chuck Klosterman

The Namesake- Lahiri

Freakanomics- Levitt and Dubner

More of Paul Harvey's The Rest of the Story

My Horizontal Life- Handler

Beloved- Toni Morrison*

All the Pretty Horses- Cormac McCarthy**

High Fidelity- Nick Hornsby

1984- Orwell

On The Road- Kerouac

How to Make an American Quilt- Otto

Pickled, Potted, and Canned- Sue Shepard

If On a Winter's Night- Italo Calvino**

Cloud Atlas- David Mitchell**

Confessions of an Economic Hitman- Perkins**

Travels With Charlie: In Search of America- Steinbeck

Middlesex- Eugenides**

The Memory Keeper's Daughter- Kim Edwards

In Search of Stones- M. Scott Peck

A Brief History of the Dead- Brockmeier

The Count of Monte Christo- Dumas*

Death on the Nile- Agatha Christie

Dear Exile- Montgomery

The Doors of Perception- Huxley

Heaven and Hell- Huxley

There's a (slight) Chance I Might Be Going to Hell- Notaro

The Cave- Jose Saramago***

Seabiscuit- Hillenbrand

In Cold Blood- Capote

The Old Man and the Sea- Hemingway*

East of Eden- Steinbeck**

One Thousand White Woman- Fergus

The Road- McCarthy***

The Sun Also Rises- Hemingway**

A Separate Peace- Knowles

The Kite Runner- Hosseini

The Grapes of Wrath- Steinbeck**

To the Ends of the Earth- Paul Theroux

The Unbearable Likeness of Being- Kundera

A Tree Grows In Brooklyn- Smith

The Moon is Down- Steinbeck

How Soccer Explains the World- Foer

What Is the What- Eggers

Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance- Pirsig

The Alchemist- Coehlo

Everything Is Illuminated- Safran Foer**

Invisible Monsters- Palahnuik

Charming Billy- McDermott

South of the Border, West of the Sun- Murakami*

The Secret Life of Bees- Monk Kidd

Mr. Maybe- Green

The Audacity of Hope- Obama

'Tis- McCourt

The House of Sand and Fog- Dubus III

Blood Meridian- McCarthy**

Catcher in the Rye- Salinger

The Great Gatsby- Fitzgerald

The Adventures of Tom Sawyer- Twain

The Know-it-all- Jacobs

Under the Banner of Heaven- Krakauer

Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs- Klosterman

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn- Twain*

Inperial Ambitions- Noam Chomsky

Disgrace- Coetzee

The Company She Keeps- Mary McCarthy

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Geography- Gonzalez

Made of Information- Poster

The Way of the Peaceful Warrior- Millman

The Snow Leopard- Matthiessen***

White Fang- London

Crime and Punishment- Dostoyevsky*

Testing Kate- Gaskell

On Beauty- Zadie Smith

No Country For Old Men- McCarthy*

Snow Falling On Cedars- Guterson

Siddhartha- Hesse

Moby Dick- Melville*

The Jungle- Upton Sinclair**

Holidays on Ice- Sedaris

An Italian Proverb

"Bed is the poor man's opera."

This makes me smile.

Absolute with a twist

Anyone who maintains absolute standards of good and evil is dangerous.  As dangerous as a maniac with a loaded revolver.  In fact, the person who maintains absolute standards of good and evil is the maniac with the revolver.

Mind the gap

What I find unfortunate about globalization is the still lingering chasm in perspective and understanding of national issues.

Never Been a Morning Person

I like to wake up slowly in the morning.  It's easiest with a shining sun, black coffee, your favorite music, and your closest friend(s).  Sans camera.  

Heaven and Hell

Is placing emphasis on the afterlife denying life?  To concentrate of heaven is to create hell for oneself?

I spend a good deal of time thinking about religion.  It's forced down our throats constantly.  This is an especially American ideal and one that I see polarizing our nation- it's making me gag.

People are often told that is is very wrong to attack religion because religions makes men virtuous.  So I'm told; I have not noticed it...look around.

I find as I look around the world that every bit of progress in humane feeling, every improvement in the criminal law, every step toward the moderation of war, every step towards the better treatment of the colored races, or every mitigation of slavery, every moral progress, has been consistently opposed by the organized churches of the world...

This does not make a whole lot of sense to me.  This is one of the many reasons why I am not a Christian.

SMS-WTF UA?

"The people in the kupe are sneaking glances at my burn marks.  They probably think I have a troubled and difficult life, so they dare not bother me because I may act erratically, even hostiley.  I'm ok w/ this."

-Tuzz 05.05.07

"I am entertaining the question of whether I am tan or just dirty- ya prosto ne znayu.  Tomorrow's shower will reveal a lot.  Until then, I maintain certainty that I exist in filth."

-Tuzz 05.22.07

"Oh nonsense.  Fabulous!  I'm sure there are dingos, owls, and mt. lions that would do us.  You think 'cave woman' translates over?  (Probably takes the genitive case as woman of the cave

and loses all real meaning."

-Tuzz 05.22.07

"Oh LB! Fuckem!  Do not let them break you!"

-Eddie 06.19.07

"Ad for the marshrutka:  skip a trip to the sauna and you'll sweat so many buckets, you'll never make another trip to the well again."

-Tuzz 08.23.08

"My standards have plunged.  I have a date tomorrow w/a 30 yr old ukr.  It's a crawfish and beer date."

-Bethany 09.03.07

"My landlord just visited and took the chainik (tea kettle).  They needed it for the dacha, she said.  Then nosing in and around the kholodelnik, asked if I saw she cleaned it.  I said, "yah, you need that too?" No answer.

-Tuzz 08.30.08

"A little bit of me is dieing."

Eddie all the time