How can you hate the rain when it irrigates the crops?

Ode to my friends and the rain...

It's raining, it's pouring.

The old man is snoring.

Went to bed, bumped his head.

Couldn't get up in the morning.

The score was 6-nothing.

The cooties were ahead.

The bedbugs hit a home run

And knocked him out of bed

The Indian's rubber beefsteak, 

the discontented cheese

The weinie did a flip-flop 

into the pot of peas.

Hold tight.  Hold tight.  Hold tight, hold tight.

Fugadarakasaki

Want some seafood mama?

Shrimpers and rice-

They're very nice.

Ouroboric realization. minus the dogs

Sometimes it blows my mind that I actually lived in Ukraine.  I had these moments while I was still there where I would just look around and be like, "fuck, I live here.  This is my life."  It's pretty cool to think about.  I mean, not to sound all on my high horse, but it's pretty amazing.  Not anyone could or would do that.

Now I guess I'm struggling with the reality that I live in Detroit.  I'm kind of stuck here temporarily until I have enough money to relocate.  It's not terrible; it's not where I thought I'd be.  However, it is.  So, I think now that I have realized this, I need to realize my potential here and create a life here for myself.

It's strange to think that I feel like such a foreigner in this city.  It's where I spent the first 18 years of my life; 18 years underage and at a different place in my life.  I guess that's the discrepancy.  Now I find myself back at the beginning, coming full circle- like the ouroboros (top tattoo idea).  Even in Ukraine, I didn't feel like I do here.  There I had a role.  Here, well, I'm finding that.  Shit, when I lived in Columbus I was always seeing live music, friends, eating good food, going to art shows, having art shows, sitting in and drinking some wine, chilling on a porch, going for a bike ride, sitting in the park, getting lost, creating.  Here, I feel vacant of all things I love and live to be surrounded by.  So, all I'm saying is it's hard and weird and real. And new.

Which is good, right?  It's like, "fuck, I live here."

Purple Con't.

Spent the day painting and this is what I came up with for my second piece.  Purple show.

La empieza de la revolucion

So I started my revolution with a bang.  I went down to the newly remodeled DIA. It was nice, but nothing spectacular.  They have a much bigger contemporary collection now, which I appreciate.  They also have an interesting African American art collection.  Overall, not bad.  

I continued my day with dinner at my sister's.  Fondue.  Yum.  

Then I wanted to check out a bar down on 7 mile I had heard about.  So, I drove there, but it was closed...I think forever.  I decided to head to another locale and have a few beers.  I ended up meeting an interesting guy and we chatted for a few hours with a few beers on him.  We exchanged numbers and he already contacted me.  Perhaps I'll make plans for later this week with him.

I also sent some emails out to some couchsurfing buddies in the area and we're going to meet up next week.  My network is getting bigger.  Fuck yeah.

THEN...this morning my mom found some contraband I left in the car.  She wanted to throw it away, I said no, and she gave it back to me.  Pretty cool, but really embarrassing.  Can't have it all.

Avoiding and Embracing the D.

I've never been in a situation like I am in now.  A situation not conducive to making friends, one with no money, one with no culture.  Shit man, it's making me crazy.  Even in Ukraine, I had friends who were in similar places as me- despite living hours from one another.  We had a common bond.  Ukraine didn't have much cultural diversity or events, but at least everything was fresh and new to me.  Detroit...blah.

I'm enjoying being around my family more than the last 8 years of my life.  I am interested in helping rebuild Detroit.  There is such a brain drain here that I feel like I would be a great asset to this city, but something's got to give.

I feel like all the things that aren't going well in my life are all intertwined and I'm  not sure what to do about it.  Can't make friends without having money to go out.  Don't have money without a job.  Don't have my sanctuary place because I don't have an apartment.  Don't have a place to invite people over.  Don't have people to invite over.  I know that this is not the way to think.  It's fucking hard to meet people in this city,  especially being a woman.  I don't have a problem doing things by myself, but I don't want to just have sex with men and this is what a lot of them want. Woman don't want to make friends with other woman- I'm not sure the reason for this.   I don't want to fall into a slight depression.  This is all new to me.  So what can I do?

I'm making a goal for myself to visit one cultural thing a week.  Some ideas: DIA, Pewabic, art shows, music shows.  God, I miss Columbus for this reason.  I'm going to investigate taking a class or joining some type of group...but it's just so Lifetime channel for me.  Ideas: bocci team, art class, language class, book club, volunteering (I really need to start getting paid for my work).  It's like my song still needs a chorus.

I guess the difficulty for me is that I've never had to work this hard for things to fall into place for me.  I've had some good karmic energy on this front in the past.  I've never had problems finding a job, making friends, finding the right places to be or go.  I suppose this is a good thing for me.  It'll build character and a part of me that is underdeveloped.  Right?

Viva la revolucion!

Gone Fishin'

It's not even that I necessarily believe in reincarnation.  But I definitely believe in the exchange of energy that takes place between things. 

 

I have an intense spiritual association to fish.  I love to surround myself with images of fish.  I have fish jewelry (you all know m

y fish pendant), paint fish, have always had a pet fish, gravitate towards Pisces, and love coastal areas more than anything.  I have this connection that lies somewhere inside of me.  There's a serenity to them.  *I've always thought that this is the reason I don't eat fish.  I'm not a cannibal.

This being said, I've never actually thought or explored the deeper significance behind this penchant.  Here's my first attempt.

I'm a real Aquarian, through and through.  I am the water bearer.  Water is an archetype of the unknown, the depths of knowledge, and the subconscious.  And from this water springs life.  I mean, it is where we all started millions of years ago.  What is more associated with water than fish?- which have traditionally been representativ

e of fertility, eternity, creativity, femininity, good luck, happiness, knowledge, and transformation.

There isn't one of those words that I don't consider a major part of my personal values and hold to some sort of esteem.  In particular, I've always had a connection with knowledge and transformation.  I believe knowledge to be the solution to most of the problems in this ever-unsympathetic world.  Once we have the understanding of where people come from, what their words mean, why the act as they do, things usually become more clear.  

Transformation:  I was talking with my friend Abbey last night and she reminded me of something I said to her years ago- a sort of mantra that she lives by.  I vaguely remember saying this particular thing to her, but for some reason I think she believed it more then than I did, even as the words were coming out of my mouth.  I told her, "you need to prune in order to grow".  It's like a houseplant.  A houseplant will cease to grow new appendages (not the right word, but you get what I mean) if you don't prune its leaves.  One needs to shred the things holding them back in order to transform and blossom- to progress.  This is a beautiful thing.  This is an idea I hold close to my heart and try to always live by.  In fact, this is probably why I live- to grow into a better and better person.  I always make an earnest attempt at ridding my life of things that aren't working- sometimes too haphazardly.  

Time=change.  If we as individuals cease to change and transform inside, while our surroundings fail to cease outside of us, then shit hits the fan.  Things fail to coalesce.  

Change is a good thing for me; something I'm trying to embrace more and more of...even after all the (mis)adventures of Ukraine.

I guess that a fish is the perfect animal archetype for me.  Fuck that trickster, the wolf.  He's always causing problems.  

Loss and Found

I went to a funeral tonight.  It came at a strange time when I've been missing my dad a lot.  I've always said that if I could have any day given back to me it would be a day in which I could have an adult conversation with my dad.  I think he'd give me some sage advice right now.  Probably more than anyone; maybe because he's my dad and I would hold his advice on a pedestal. Maybe he was just smart.  Maybe I just want to know.  

Loss is a feeling that is felt by everyone at some point always.  We miss people, places, emotions, sensations- a look, a smell, a touch, a sound.  Loss is a horrible wound that takes time to heal.

It's interesting for me to see how people deal with loss.  How do you console loss?  It's nearly impossible.  You can be empathetic and sympathetic, but when you're in it; it seems like a never-ending road of emptiness and confusion.  You want to offer advice, but people aren't looking for advice at this time.  In fact, people rarely take action of other's advice unless they were going to do it anyway.   It's why I always say that it's a process.  You never get over loss; you get through it.  

It's the reason I still miss my dad.

Been Thinking...

So the thing to do is to cultivate the peace of mind which does not separate one's self from one's surroundings.  When that is done successfully, everything else should follow naturally.  Peace of mind produces right values, right values produce right thoughts.  Right thoughts produce right actions and right actions produce work which will be a material reflection for others to see the serenity at the center of it all.

Is it this easy?  I hope so.

The Purple Show

Book Worm

I had an infinite amount of time to read.  I was one of the few volunteers without a computer.  Here's what I read during my time in Ukraine

Hard-Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World- Murakami

The Secret History

Cradle to Cradle

Oryx and Crake- Margaret Atwood*

Geek Love

The Orchid Thief- Susan Orland

The TIpping Point- Gladwell

Lake Wobegon Summer 1965- Garrison Keiller

Make Lemonade- Wolfe

The Devil Wears Prada- Weisenberger

Skinny Legs and All- Tom Robbins*

Atlas Shrugged - Ayn Rand

The Red Pony- John Steinbeck*

White Teeth- Zadie Smith*

The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down- Fadiman**

Regarding The Pain of Others- Susan Sontag

Killing Yourself to Live - Chuck Klosterman

The Namesake- Lahiri

Freakanomics- Levitt and Dubner

More of Paul Harvey's The Rest of the Story

My Horizontal Life- Handler

Beloved- Toni Morrison*

All the Pretty Horses- Cormac McCarthy**

High Fidelity- Nick Hornsby

1984- Orwell

On The Road- Kerouac

How to Make an American Quilt- Otto

Pickled, Potted, and Canned- Sue Shepard

If On a Winter's Night- Italo Calvino**

Cloud Atlas- David Mitchell**

Confessions of an Economic Hitman- Perkins**

Travels With Charlie: In Search of America- Steinbeck

Middlesex- Eugenides**

The Memory Keeper's Daughter- Kim Edwards

In Search of Stones- M. Scott Peck

A Brief History of the Dead- Brockmeier

The Count of Monte Christo- Dumas*

Death on the Nile- Agatha Christie

Dear Exile- Montgomery

The Doors of Perception- Huxley

Heaven and Hell- Huxley

There's a (slight) Chance I Might Be Going to Hell- Notaro

The Cave- Jose Saramago***

Seabiscuit- Hillenbrand

In Cold Blood- Capote

The Old Man and the Sea- Hemingway*

East of Eden- Steinbeck**

One Thousand White Woman- Fergus

The Road- McCarthy***

The Sun Also Rises- Hemingway**

A Separate Peace- Knowles

The Kite Runner- Hosseini

The Grapes of Wrath- Steinbeck**

To the Ends of the Earth- Paul Theroux

The Unbearable Likeness of Being- Kundera

A Tree Grows In Brooklyn- Smith

The Moon is Down- Steinbeck

How Soccer Explains the World- Foer

What Is the What- Eggers

Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance- Pirsig

The Alchemist- Coehlo

Everything Is Illuminated- Safran Foer**

Invisible Monsters- Palahnuik

Charming Billy- McDermott

South of the Border, West of the Sun- Murakami*

The Secret Life of Bees- Monk Kidd

Mr. Maybe- Green

The Audacity of Hope- Obama

'Tis- McCourt

The House of Sand and Fog- Dubus III

Blood Meridian- McCarthy**

Catcher in the Rye- Salinger

The Great Gatsby- Fitzgerald

The Adventures of Tom Sawyer- Twain

The Know-it-all- Jacobs

Under the Banner of Heaven- Krakauer

Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs- Klosterman

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn- Twain*

Inperial Ambitions- Noam Chomsky

Disgrace- Coetzee

The Company She Keeps- Mary McCarthy

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Geography- Gonzalez

Made of Information- Poster

The Way of the Peaceful Warrior- Millman

The Snow Leopard- Matthiessen***

White Fang- London

Crime and Punishment- Dostoyevsky*

Testing Kate- Gaskell

On Beauty- Zadie Smith

No Country For Old Men- McCarthy*

Snow Falling On Cedars- Guterson

Siddhartha- Hesse

Moby Dick- Melville*

The Jungle- Upton Sinclair**

Holidays on Ice- Sedaris

An Italian Proverb

"Bed is the poor man's opera."

This makes me smile.

Absolute with a twist

Anyone who maintains absolute standards of good and evil is dangerous.  As dangerous as a maniac with a loaded revolver.  In fact, the person who maintains absolute standards of good and evil is the maniac with the revolver.

Mind the gap

What I find unfortunate about globalization is the still lingering chasm in perspective and understanding of national issues.

Never Been a Morning Person

I like to wake up slowly in the morning.  It's easiest with a shining sun, black coffee, your favorite music, and your closest friend(s).  Sans camera.  

Heaven and Hell

Is placing emphasis on the afterlife denying life?  To concentrate of heaven is to create hell for oneself?

I spend a good deal of time thinking about religion.  It's forced down our throats constantly.  This is an especially American ideal and one that I see polarizing our nation- it's making me gag.

People are often told that is is very wrong to attack religion because religions makes men virtuous.  So I'm told; I have not noticed it...look around.

I find as I look around the world that every bit of progress in humane feeling, every improvement in the criminal law, every step toward the moderation of war, every step towards the better treatment of the colored races, or every mitigation of slavery, every moral progress, has been consistently opposed by the organized churches of the world...

This does not make a whole lot of sense to me.  This is one of the many reasons why I am not a Christian.

SMS-WTF UA?

"The people in the kupe are sneaking glances at my burn marks.  They probably think I have a troubled and difficult life, so they dare not bother me because I may act erratically, even hostiley.  I'm ok w/ this."

-Tuzz 05.05.07

"I am entertaining the question of whether I am tan or just dirty- ya prosto ne znayu.  Tomorrow's shower will reveal a lot.  Until then, I maintain certainty that I exist in filth."

-Tuzz 05.22.07

"Oh nonsense.  Fabulous!  I'm sure there are dingos, owls, and mt. lions that would do us.  You think 'cave woman' translates over?  (Probably takes the genitive case as woman of the cave

and loses all real meaning."

-Tuzz 05.22.07

"Oh LB! Fuckem!  Do not let them break you!"

-Eddie 06.19.07

"Ad for the marshrutka:  skip a trip to the sauna and you'll sweat so many buckets, you'll never make another trip to the well again."

-Tuzz 08.23.08

"My standards have plunged.  I have a date tomorrow w/a 30 yr old ukr.  It's a crawfish and beer date."

-Bethany 09.03.07

"My landlord just visited and took the chainik (tea kettle).  They needed it for the dacha, she said.  Then nosing in and around the kholodelnik, asked if I saw she cleaned it.  I said, "yah, you need that too?" No answer.

-Tuzz 08.30.08

"A little bit of me is dieing."

Eddie all the time

Extended Family

Living away from home requires creating family networks of friends.  I feel extremely fortunate to have met some of the brightest, beautiful, good-hearted people around.

Goodbye, Lenin.

I’m sick of Lenin.  After nearly two years in Ukraine I have grown accustomed to seeing statues of the deified Bolshevikleader and founder of the Soviet system looming over city centers.  As he is less ubiquitous in western Ukraine, I am reminded that these once-mandatory monoliths are now defunct.  Western Ukraine has begun the removal of these statutes, erasing his legacy from their collective psyche.  I’ve found that the cities who were forerunners in taking down Lenin are more progressive and prosperous communities in modern Ukraine.  These communities are getting a head start in reaping the benefits of rejecting the Communist legacy.

Take for example the process of obtaining a business license- a weeks-long bureaucratic nightmare in most locales.  However in the town of Kolomyya, the second city in Ukraine to remove Lenin’s physical presence, this process can be accomplished in less than one hour, with a modest one-time fee.  Residents take pride in their progressive community; a refreshing feeling to experience.

Of course there are reasons for the willingness of Kolomyyans to move on from the Soviet-run past; the west has fewer ethnic Russians and as a whole, western Ukrainians were less receptive to the Soviet Union.  When the Iron Curtain fell, the tourism industry provided them with an easy avenue for the transition to a free market capitalistic economy.  The question remains: if their post-Communism reformation (practical and ideological) has led to relative prosperity, why hasn’t it been used as a model throughout the country?  In other words, why do so many Ukrainians cling to the old was of the USSR?  Why do so many Lenins still stand?

The answer, in short, is that many Ukrainians harbor feelings of nostalgia and lingering patriotism for the bygone regime.  These are understandable feelings, but they don’t hold up to scrutiny.

First among these feelings is the loss of global superpower status.  For decades the USSR was considered the only power that could rival the United States, and to from that that to “just another country” is a blow to national ego.  However, this status was for the most part an illusion, as it stemmed not from economic might or a preponderance of conventional forces, but from their massive nuclear arsenal- the use of which would assure their own destruction (the MAD policy).  The USSR’s global influence could be better described as blackmail.

Because so many of Ukraine’s people died fighting for the Red Army, some say that to denounce the USSR would be a betrayal of their sacrifice.  But it is possible to honor the memory without glorifying the USSR.  Many soldiers were forced to fight against their volition, sent into un-winnable battles as cannon fodder, and shot by their own officers if retreated.  Soldiers deserve honor, not the nation behind them, especially one that treated its soldiers with such callousness.  Kolomyya has a monumental WWII memorial, but it’s dedicated to those who found to defend Ukraine, and carries no Red Army overtones.

The most common excuse for nostalgia is that “life was better” under the old regime.  They say everyone had something to eat back them, nobody littered, and there were no bums.  While this may be true, keep in mind that along with daily meals and clean streets, citizens of the USSR also had strict censorship, restrictions on travel, and neighbors that disappeared in the middle of the night.  And while present-day Ukraine does have its share of societal ills, the country is still in a transitional period, and transitions tend to be painful.

The irony of this situation is that as life worsens during the painful shift to democracy, people become less receptive to democratic reform and the transitional crisis worsens.  The tighter they cling to the old ways, the more drawn out and incomplete this transition will be.  If Ukrainians continue to reach for reform with one hand and hold firm to the old ways with the other, they will remain in transitional crisis indefinitely, or perhaps be torn in two.

Paired with these feelings of misplaced patriotism and nostalgia is the belief that Ukraine’s best hope is to hitch their wagon to Russian’s apparently rising star rather than do what they see as “selling out” to the west.  Though Russia’s star is apparently rising (where else was it to go after the nadir of complete government implosion?), it is still a country fraught with instability, corruption, repression, and flagrant human rights abuses.  In contrast with the success and relative stability of EU nations, the choice- if one must be made- seems obvious.  But this requires letting go of the past, a rejection of their ingrained identity as a vassal state of Russia.

Further hampering Ukraine’s transition away from Russia is many Ukrainians either don’t realize the extent of the damage done to them by the Soviet Union, or they refuse to believe what they hear.  If they were to fully realize the extent, I think a break would be imminent.

I could list all the disastrous effects of communist rule in Ukraine, but I couldn’t do justice in a few paragraphs.  Most already know of the brutality, and of the terror campaigns.  There was famine and Chernobyl.  As volunteers, we witness the lasting psychological impact every day, be it the reliance on bureaucracy at school or poor service at the ticket window of the train station.  And there is further invisible damage we don’t see.  There is corrosion a the foundations of their civic selves resulting from years of living under a government which, through violence and intimidation, tried to force its people to turn their backs on humanity and become cogs in a machine. 

The damage done by communist rule is terrible, and I’m amazed there isn’t more indignation over it, public or private.  When I meet a Ukrainian who speaks fondly of communist times I want to read him the litany of violations.  I want to grab him by the shoulders and scream “THEY MURDERED YOUR PEOPLE! THEY DEVASTATED YOUR COUNTRY!  WHY CAN’T YOU LET IT GO?”

But I don’t.  I’m a Peace Corps volunteer, and I realize that would violate the “political neutrality” clause.  Regardless, it’s not my place to lecture Ukrainians on their own history.  As much as I would like to see it done, I’m not going to start a petition for the removal of all the Lenins.  This change can only come from within.  In the end, I guess I’m just sick of the ghosts of this outdated ideology haunting Ukraine’s people and institutions.  I hope more cities and villages follow Kolomyya’s example.

Love it, Love it, Love it

I find myself bitching about Ukraine a lot.  Not because I don't like it, but because there are some many things that frustrate me here...and well, it's easier to bitch.  But, there really are so many wonderful things about this place.  Maybe I'll just stay forever.  Never!  Here's what I enjoy here...

-resourcefulness

-no waste

-it's cheap

-family is crucial and never forgotten

-they're a proud people

-no chemicals in the food

-the bazaar

-people walk

-there's still a gender divide and chivalry (this can be positive)

-there's subtle humor

-they don't forget their past

-they're economical

-they love to sing, dance, and act

-summer

-traditions

-superstitions

-flowers and house plants everywhere

-home remedies

-my apartment

-my job

-Masha and Sasha

-the characters I've met in Peace Corps

-being told: "don't be so responsible" (at work)

-camps

-forest and mushroom hunting

-shashlik- kind to shish kebab

-the cookies and chocolate

-the vodka

-they know when to stop talking about politics

-not taking themselves too seriously

-genuine interest when they ask you something

-Na zdaroviya (to your health), even when buying smokes

-the dacha and kitchen gardens

-time to read

-seeing a totally new perspective and paradigm

-buying flour, peas, rice, sugar, and eggs

-those "kartoshka" sweets- I've no idea what's in them, but they're fucking delicious

-soups, yes, even borshch

-hearing the chickens

-the clatter of the horses' hooves

-communal public conversations

-seeing the ice fisherman

-being "hosti" all the time (a guest)

-kids being pulled on sleighs

-the bikes

-the clothes provide free entertainment

And, as my mom always told me and I tell my friends, "you have to laugh to survive"

Banana Hammocks Are Rad

This guy changed in and out of this sweet thong every time he got in or out of the water.  Then he would stand and pose (I think for me...I hope for me) like this for hours.  Amazing!