Heaven and Hell

Is placing emphasis on the afterlife denying life?  To concentrate of heaven is to create hell for oneself?

I spend a good deal of time thinking about religion.  It's forced down our throats constantly.  This is an especially American ideal and one that I see polarizing our nation- it's making me gag.

People are often told that is is very wrong to attack religion because religions makes men virtuous.  So I'm told; I have not noticed it...look around.

I find as I look around the world that every bit of progress in humane feeling, every improvement in the criminal law, every step toward the moderation of war, every step towards the better treatment of the colored races, or every mitigation of slavery, every moral progress, has been consistently opposed by the organized churches of the world...

This does not make a whole lot of sense to me.  This is one of the many reasons why I am not a Christian.

SMS-WTF UA?

"The people in the kupe are sneaking glances at my burn marks.  They probably think I have a troubled and difficult life, so they dare not bother me because I may act erratically, even hostiley.  I'm ok w/ this."

-Tuzz 05.05.07

"I am entertaining the question of whether I am tan or just dirty- ya prosto ne znayu.  Tomorrow's shower will reveal a lot.  Until then, I maintain certainty that I exist in filth."

-Tuzz 05.22.07

"Oh nonsense.  Fabulous!  I'm sure there are dingos, owls, and mt. lions that would do us.  You think 'cave woman' translates over?  (Probably takes the genitive case as woman of the cave

and loses all real meaning."

-Tuzz 05.22.07

"Oh LB! Fuckem!  Do not let them break you!"

-Eddie 06.19.07

"Ad for the marshrutka:  skip a trip to the sauna and you'll sweat so many buckets, you'll never make another trip to the well again."

-Tuzz 08.23.08

"My standards have plunged.  I have a date tomorrow w/a 30 yr old ukr.  It's a crawfish and beer date."

-Bethany 09.03.07

"My landlord just visited and took the chainik (tea kettle).  They needed it for the dacha, she said.  Then nosing in and around the kholodelnik, asked if I saw she cleaned it.  I said, "yah, you need that too?" No answer.

-Tuzz 08.30.08

"A little bit of me is dieing."

Eddie all the time

Extended Family

Living away from home requires creating family networks of friends.  I feel extremely fortunate to have met some of the brightest, beautiful, good-hearted people around.

Goodbye, Lenin.

I’m sick of Lenin.  After nearly two years in Ukraine I have grown accustomed to seeing statues of the deified Bolshevikleader and founder of the Soviet system looming over city centers.  As he is less ubiquitous in western Ukraine, I am reminded that these once-mandatory monoliths are now defunct.  Western Ukraine has begun the removal of these statutes, erasing his legacy from their collective psyche.  I’ve found that the cities who were forerunners in taking down Lenin are more progressive and prosperous communities in modern Ukraine.  These communities are getting a head start in reaping the benefits of rejecting the Communist legacy.

Take for example the process of obtaining a business license- a weeks-long bureaucratic nightmare in most locales.  However in the town of Kolomyya, the second city in Ukraine to remove Lenin’s physical presence, this process can be accomplished in less than one hour, with a modest one-time fee.  Residents take pride in their progressive community; a refreshing feeling to experience.

Of course there are reasons for the willingness of Kolomyyans to move on from the Soviet-run past; the west has fewer ethnic Russians and as a whole, western Ukrainians were less receptive to the Soviet Union.  When the Iron Curtain fell, the tourism industry provided them with an easy avenue for the transition to a free market capitalistic economy.  The question remains: if their post-Communism reformation (practical and ideological) has led to relative prosperity, why hasn’t it been used as a model throughout the country?  In other words, why do so many Ukrainians cling to the old was of the USSR?  Why do so many Lenins still stand?

The answer, in short, is that many Ukrainians harbor feelings of nostalgia and lingering patriotism for the bygone regime.  These are understandable feelings, but they don’t hold up to scrutiny.

First among these feelings is the loss of global superpower status.  For decades the USSR was considered the only power that could rival the United States, and to from that that to “just another country” is a blow to national ego.  However, this status was for the most part an illusion, as it stemmed not from economic might or a preponderance of conventional forces, but from their massive nuclear arsenal- the use of which would assure their own destruction (the MAD policy).  The USSR’s global influence could be better described as blackmail.

Because so many of Ukraine’s people died fighting for the Red Army, some say that to denounce the USSR would be a betrayal of their sacrifice.  But it is possible to honor the memory without glorifying the USSR.  Many soldiers were forced to fight against their volition, sent into un-winnable battles as cannon fodder, and shot by their own officers if retreated.  Soldiers deserve honor, not the nation behind them, especially one that treated its soldiers with such callousness.  Kolomyya has a monumental WWII memorial, but it’s dedicated to those who found to defend Ukraine, and carries no Red Army overtones.

The most common excuse for nostalgia is that “life was better” under the old regime.  They say everyone had something to eat back them, nobody littered, and there were no bums.  While this may be true, keep in mind that along with daily meals and clean streets, citizens of the USSR also had strict censorship, restrictions on travel, and neighbors that disappeared in the middle of the night.  And while present-day Ukraine does have its share of societal ills, the country is still in a transitional period, and transitions tend to be painful.

The irony of this situation is that as life worsens during the painful shift to democracy, people become less receptive to democratic reform and the transitional crisis worsens.  The tighter they cling to the old ways, the more drawn out and incomplete this transition will be.  If Ukrainians continue to reach for reform with one hand and hold firm to the old ways with the other, they will remain in transitional crisis indefinitely, or perhaps be torn in two.

Paired with these feelings of misplaced patriotism and nostalgia is the belief that Ukraine’s best hope is to hitch their wagon to Russian’s apparently rising star rather than do what they see as “selling out” to the west.  Though Russia’s star is apparently rising (where else was it to go after the nadir of complete government implosion?), it is still a country fraught with instability, corruption, repression, and flagrant human rights abuses.  In contrast with the success and relative stability of EU nations, the choice- if one must be made- seems obvious.  But this requires letting go of the past, a rejection of their ingrained identity as a vassal state of Russia.

Further hampering Ukraine’s transition away from Russia is many Ukrainians either don’t realize the extent of the damage done to them by the Soviet Union, or they refuse to believe what they hear.  If they were to fully realize the extent, I think a break would be imminent.

I could list all the disastrous effects of communist rule in Ukraine, but I couldn’t do justice in a few paragraphs.  Most already know of the brutality, and of the terror campaigns.  There was famine and Chernobyl.  As volunteers, we witness the lasting psychological impact every day, be it the reliance on bureaucracy at school or poor service at the ticket window of the train station.  And there is further invisible damage we don’t see.  There is corrosion a the foundations of their civic selves resulting from years of living under a government which, through violence and intimidation, tried to force its people to turn their backs on humanity and become cogs in a machine. 

The damage done by communist rule is terrible, and I’m amazed there isn’t more indignation over it, public or private.  When I meet a Ukrainian who speaks fondly of communist times I want to read him the litany of violations.  I want to grab him by the shoulders and scream “THEY MURDERED YOUR PEOPLE! THEY DEVASTATED YOUR COUNTRY!  WHY CAN’T YOU LET IT GO?”

But I don’t.  I’m a Peace Corps volunteer, and I realize that would violate the “political neutrality” clause.  Regardless, it’s not my place to lecture Ukrainians on their own history.  As much as I would like to see it done, I’m not going to start a petition for the removal of all the Lenins.  This change can only come from within.  In the end, I guess I’m just sick of the ghosts of this outdated ideology haunting Ukraine’s people and institutions.  I hope more cities and villages follow Kolomyya’s example.

Love it, Love it, Love it

I find myself bitching about Ukraine a lot.  Not because I don't like it, but because there are some many things that frustrate me here...and well, it's easier to bitch.  But, there really are so many wonderful things about this place.  Maybe I'll just stay forever.  Never!  Here's what I enjoy here...

-resourcefulness

-no waste

-it's cheap

-family is crucial and never forgotten

-they're a proud people

-no chemicals in the food

-the bazaar

-people walk

-there's still a gender divide and chivalry (this can be positive)

-there's subtle humor

-they don't forget their past

-they're economical

-they love to sing, dance, and act

-summer

-traditions

-superstitions

-flowers and house plants everywhere

-home remedies

-my apartment

-my job

-Masha and Sasha

-the characters I've met in Peace Corps

-being told: "don't be so responsible" (at work)

-camps

-forest and mushroom hunting

-shashlik- kind to shish kebab

-the cookies and chocolate

-the vodka

-they know when to stop talking about politics

-not taking themselves too seriously

-genuine interest when they ask you something

-Na zdaroviya (to your health), even when buying smokes

-the dacha and kitchen gardens

-time to read

-seeing a totally new perspective and paradigm

-buying flour, peas, rice, sugar, and eggs

-those "kartoshka" sweets- I've no idea what's in them, but they're fucking delicious

-soups, yes, even borshch

-hearing the chickens

-the clatter of the horses' hooves

-communal public conversations

-seeing the ice fisherman

-being "hosti" all the time (a guest)

-kids being pulled on sleighs

-the bikes

-the clothes provide free entertainment

And, as my mom always told me and I tell my friends, "you have to laugh to survive"

Banana Hammocks Are Rad

This guy changed in and out of this sweet thong every time he got in or out of the water.  Then he would stand and pose (I think for me...I hope for me) like this for hours.  Amazing!

In response to family and friends regarding my safety in Ukraine after the Georgia conflict.

To all of you....

I appreciate you all caring so much about me, but I believe that you may be receiving biased news as well. Do you all not think that the US media paints a bad picture of Russia and CIS countries to keep you all in the immense state of fear that you live in? The US media does a very fine job keeping you all on your toes. Russia is a scary country, but not nearly as out-of-control as Bush, CNN, and the rest of the giants make you believe.

There is a potential for Russia to attack Ukraine, there always has been. But, I don't believe that the threat is any greater than the threat on Americans from nearly every country around. We are not well-liked abroad. 

Secondly, I don't get Russian news, I get Ukrainian news. And yes, there has been a great deal of media coverage about the attack. In fact, it overshadows the Olympics. For your information, Ukraine is NOT Russia. It is independent. This may be part of the problem for Ukraine- people don't call it by the appropriate name, and still think of it as a satellite republic of the Russian Federation. Yes, they do get pushed around a lot by Russia, but it's a separate country with a separate government. Ukraine is taking a stand against Russia. A brave move, yes. Of course there is fear on the citizens part, but they also feared Bush sending frozen chicken legs here to be sold (long story). Ukraine is growing more independent all the time, and it's a cool thing to be witnessing. They have recently elected a new Prime MInister, Yulia Tymoshenko, who is pro west and pro the unification of Ukraine (a politically/ethnically divided nation). Ukraine has also joined the WTO, a step for them to enter into NATO and the EU (so many acronyms). Ukraine is moving into the direction of the west. (This idea seems to quell many Americans nerves.) These are major steps for Ukraine. They want to join the EU badly, so they will take a stand against Russia, but I don't think they have has much to fear as the media portrays back home. Why?

Perhaps your news is a bit one-sided as well. The problems in Ossetia have been going on for many years. This territory, along with the territory of Abxasia, are independent areas in Georgia. Technically, they aren't in Georgia, nor in Russia (something like Kosovo). The Ossetians want independence; Georgia of course doesn't want this. Also, globally this would spark a trend for all territories striving for independence- the Basques, Kosovo, Transdniester (Moldova), etc. Well, the Ossetians made some move for independence and Georgia attacked. These people needed help, so they asked Russia. Of course Russia wants to help, they want some of their old satellites back. So Russia entered into the conflict and attacked Georgian troops. As of yesterday, Georgian soldiers killed 1700 people and counting and Russian soldiers 900 and counting. Russia is not all to blame. Russian soldiers did not technically cross into Georgian borders. PC volunteers and the rest of American/British ex-pats were not ordered out of Georgia because the conflict was in a centralized territory where no PC volunteers live and where ex-pats are suggested to avoid.

No, I am not a Russian sympathizer. Actually, I'm not a fan at all. But, I think that you could balance your biased media with whatever biased media I'm receiving. And, perhaps, you could think that it's cool that I'm here and you can get some first-hand information about what's going on over here. Just because I work for a government organization doesn't mean I'm being brainwashed. In fact, maybe less so that all of you since I'm not on the internet, in front of the TV, or in the stores all the time. I'm not criticizing you, just maybe asking you to think a little (not that you don't). Peace Corps has nearly no contact with us and doesn't tell us what to say, think, or do. Of course I am proactive. Haven't I always been? I'd say PC is pro active...more than writing emails to friends, or preaching to the choir. PC is in 134 nations wold-wide, so its presence in Ukraine might possible have some good developmental intentions as well; not just political positioning against Russia. (Though there is probably some truth to this too.)

Maybe you could learn a little by keeping in contact with me, who is here first-hand, rather than relying on media (citing Newsweek proves my case- this is a bad source for world news). Or at least supplement your education. I am not westernizing Ukraine, but I am trying to get my students to lower their racial/ethnic/religious biases- something everyone could work on and maybe improve the global situation. And, I teach English. This is important; not just for westernizing, but for the globalized world we live in, and for communication. Too often communication is a last resort instead of a first resort. So, for me, communication is a positive goal that I have for my students. Another goal I have and am achieving is talking to Ukrainians and seeing their perspectives. America isn't the only country and I like hearing about other areas of the world, and consequently their opinions of us (not all negative). It puts things into perspective for me. Something that wouldn't hurt Americans.

I also don't think America has no much business getting involved. We are already stretched thin and this is a European conflict for now. We have no business pointing our fingers at the current moment. Us getting involved might, and probably will, provoke a much greater situation. This is only my opinion of course.

I really am happy that you are all thinking of me, just don't be so skeptical of what I'm doing and don't let the fear overtake you. I know it's a real situation, but the news there really instills such a sense of fear. I hope I didn't attack; that wasn't my purpose. Hopefully, I don't know...I hope you're staying cool. It's hot as balls here...and no fan (or A/C)...or water today.

Love
Lauren

Beginnings of many long, sleepless nights

A light in the daytime is a lonely thing.

It's easier to surrender to confinement.

Democracy is based on an educated populace- not just one that is able to read and write, but also a people who constantly ask questions.

They had all the vices and none of the virtues of this century.

If values are rigid, you can't really learn new facts.

The yellow smoke of progress hangs over Detroit.

Corruption undermines democracy and basic human needs.

There's always a 4th of July

I've never been so American as this year's 4th of July.  We sang all the American classics and even had some fireworks.  There was some contraband at camp too.  Wacky!

Couldn't've Said It Better

"For all of our enormous geographic range, for all of our sectionalism, for all of our interwoven breeds drawn from every part of the ethnic world, we are a nation, a new breed.  Americans are much more Americans than Northerners, Southerners, Westerners, or Easterners...It is a fact that Americas from all sections and all racial attractions are more alike than the Welsh are like the English...It is astonishing that it has happened in the last 2oo years and most of it in the last 50.  The American identity is an exact and provable thing."

-John Steinbeck

Travels With Charley

With this being said, it's hard to explain this to my students who want hard evidence about traditions and customs- things that define them as a people and a nation.  It's one of the hardest aspects of being American for me here- explaining who I am.

Complacency 10.30.07

So this is something that has been brewing inside of me for awhile.  Ukraine has just had elections that ended in predictable results, which bear evidence to the fact that people don't want change.  That is to say, the election results show this, but if you talk with the people at the grassroots level, the data would show quite the opposite.  Things are shitty here.  Many things are mafia-run- to the point that it's accepted and joked about.  Universities, government, hospitals, schools, police.  This makes for a bad situation with no accountability.  We know this. But, here's where I make the connection.

Americans, for what I can tell (as I've been away for a year) seems discontent.  I included.  But, WHAT THE FUCK ARE THE PEOPLE DOING? NOTHING!!!  Like Ukrainians.  So, it's easy for me to criticize Ukrainians as it isn't my culture.  But, they retort back- "and your president?"  What am I to say?

We need to be more proactive.  "We" meaning Americans, Ukrainians, French, Albanian, etc.  We hold the power. I know it is often forgotten because it's easier to pass the blame to other people.  Hey, it was the Soviet way...super frustrating to see and experience every day, but we do.  We are the money.  Without us, the governments are nothing.  We need to take grassroots actions!  That isn't to say we need to stand on the streets and protest (though that may help), but we can choose to walk to the store, purchase goods from small businesses, provide local education, volunteer for an hour a week...

I know it's easy to talk to your friends and bitch about corruption.  I see if here every day, but more than that has to happen.  We are unhappy.  We are unfairly represented.  People really hate us Americans.

Not to get all American on you asses, but I am teaching two classes right now.  One is American Lit and the other, American Country Studies.  I have been rereading about the American Revolution and the first American authors.  And let me tell you, they didn't liberate America from Britain by purely talking to their friends.  yes, this was the beginning, but it went much further than that.  They took action.  And remember- Actions speak louder than words.  This may all seem cliche, but I believe it to be part of the truth.

I have a hard time instilling these values into my students.  I don't promote a particular political agenda, but when my students say to me: "But, Miss Bruce, your president creating war you all money have.  Why?"  I feel a sense of guilt.

Do I explain to them the complexities of this loaded question?

I wish it were that easy...

Ya know, my relationship with Ukraine is bittersweet.  There are many things that I love about this country and so many things that frustrate me, but I guess that's why Peace Corps is here.  I guess that's true of any country too.  The longer I'm here, the more I like.  I suppose that's me just getting acclimated and more settled into my life here.  
I think I'll be a bit disoriented and overwhelmed.  My life here is really quiet!  But, I seriously can't wait to come home and enjoy American convenience.  I'm going to eat so much food.  I had a dream about spaghetti and meatballs the other night, so I woke up craving it.  I made some spaghetti for dinner, but the noodles here are really terrible and the spaghetti sucked.  I ate it anyway.  I want some hummus, tacos, Chinese, spaghetti, STEAK, hamburger, burrito, falafel, Greek salad, good bread, lentil soup, cheddar soup, salami, peanut butter, olives, wild rice, and so much more.  I want to walk into a mall and hear Christmas music, be asked if I need help, while I have a coffee in my hand, and then browse the racks full of beautiful clothes.  I want to take a warm, long bath.  I want to sit and relax while watching TV and laugh  

Princess Toadstool- 09.07.07

I'd been anticipating this time of the year since my arrival.  I've heard so much about how fun this activity is and how it's a national past time.

Mushroom hunting takes patience and a set of good eyes.  I guess it's a good thing there is an abundance of carrots in this country.  I left at 6:00 am with my friend, Sasha.  We listened to horrible techno music early in the morning after a night of vodka drinking.  In fact, this whole adventure came about after I opened my big mouth saying I had never been mushroom hunting.  So a bit hungover, I was cursing myself on the 40-minute drive to "the perfect place" to find mushrooms the next morning.

I was told to wear pants because we'd  be in the forest; so I wore jeans, sneakers, and a t-shirt.  It was extremely hot.  We parked the car in the middle of nowhere.  Seriously, it was the middle of the forest.  We had a wicker basket, knife, and our phones.  You wouldn't believe all the mushrooms in the forest!  They're everywhere; not all edible of course.

Now it's a good thing I wore pants because we were in the forest...i mean it was like the jungle- like Nam, swamp foot and all.  We were on our knees climbing through branches, mosquito swarms, mud, prickly vines,  stinging nettle- all in the name of mushroom.

Once you learn the art of mushroom hunting an the different kinds of mushrooms, it becomes like an addiction trying to find the next shroom...mabe like a junkie looks for his next fix.  It's awesome.  We spent four hours in the steamy woods and came home with an overflowing basket of white mushrooms and about 100 mosquito bites that eventually became infected blisters on my legs.

Hot I tell you.

Mostar

t

08.04.07

I'm in Mostar, Bosnia and the weather is perfect- warm with a breeze.  I'm having a glass of wine enjoying the Turkish bridge.  This city is really interesting and beautiful in a way I have never seen before.  It's a tragic and intense place.  There are buildings totally blown out next to lovely new buildings.  Bullet holes cover all buildings not yet restored.  The bullet holes are centered around all the windows of the homes and buildings.  I just wonder how many people died here.  The second worst fighting on the war happened between the two sides of this river- just meters apart.  How much blood and hate filled these waters for what amounted to nothing.  The people still all live here together.  It makes me physically ill to see and think about this much destruction and hate and lost lives.

This city rests in a mountain valley with a cross perched above the minurets of the mosques.  People seem to be living prosperously (in the eye of the traveler) around the constant reminders of war.  I can't help but think of the way Iraq must be and the deeply-rooted anger and hate.  Why does it have to be like this?

I am amazed at the amount of restoration and the spirit of the people after living through such horror.  Especially with the incessant visuals of the past.  With the number of graveyards filled with their fathers, sons, brothers, husbands.  I've never been in a place with such a recent disaster and it really makes me think about the human race and the direction we're heading

I'm up all night, gettin' the money right...

This was the longest night ever after the longest day ever, only to be proceeded by the longest train ever back to Ukraine.  I had a meltdown on the train because the people refused to open a window and it was so ridiculously hot. It wasn't pretty.  I definitely put my language skills to use.  And, this all happened before this picture was taken.  This is an all-nighter outside the Budapest train station.  Of course we happened to be traveling through the city during the biggest music festival in Eastern Europe.  No hostels were to be found.  And it was raining.  

At least I got a fabulous tan.

Haiku Maddness

During a delirious day sitting and doing absolutely nothing in my apartment, I thought it a good time to begin my poetry career.

Still air and sweat beads

Dripping down with no end in sight

Nothing can be done

He whispers to me

After hours of hot sex

"I need the river."

Sidebar: check out above photo.  Really?  The river?

Maybe it's horse shit

rotting trash, ripe human, dogs?

Unidentified

It's not from vodka

A hangover lasting years

She's in denial

No water today

No kalonka* to blow up

Dirty with eyebrows

*my kalonka is my hot water heater that often blows up.  It's as scary as it sounds

Feet full of blisters

Dirt fills my nail beds, still

better than the rest

Never-ending line

Finally I reach the front

15-minute break

Surfin' Safari

Once I make in onto this death trap, my heart starts to pound.  This is a lot of pressure.  First of all, I never know how much it's going to cost, which means I have to communicate with strangers.  This is stressful.  Next, I have to figure out if I am on the right marshrutka.  More stress.  Once this business if taken care of, I need to find a seat.  Well, I am usually kicked out of whatever seat I have situated myself into because an elder babusya wants my warm seat.  Whatever.  I stand.

Instantly there is a new soundtrack in my head.  Most of you are familiar with the Beach Boys Endless Summer album, right?  This album is perfect for what is about to take place.  You are probably thinking this seems a little out of place since I am not in California or a GTO; you have no idea.  I have learned to surf in Ukraine, albeit "marshrutka surfing".  This marshrutka has no shocks (surprise) and Ukrainian roads suck (I have suspicion this is a remnant of the Soviet Union- the Soviets didn't want people to be mobile, so they laid shitty roads) so it makes for a bumpy ride standing up.  I compare this to Waimea Bay.  One is required to develop marshrutka legs in order to maintain balance.  The standing position is much life surfing- legs 2-3 feet apart, knees slightly bent (don't lock the knees), and arms a bit out to the side.  There are no railings.  Again, shocker!  Fear is probably written all over my face, but I ride the wave safely to my destination every time.  Upon disembarking this time machine, I think to myself "Lauren-1, Ukraine-0" and imagine a throng of those foam #1 hands cheering me on.

I've learned to appreciate my little triumphs.

Fly By Night

03.29.07

Ukrainian flies are dumb.  I've never had a knack for killing flies, but here in Ukraine I deserve a black belt.  Even Hellen Keller could catch the flies here.  The ones that are fast- maybe 1 out of 100 are so dumb they kill themselves.

Proof #1:  It's been nice here so I've opened my windows to air out my flat.  Well, I didn't anticipate the number of roommates I would acquire.  The first day brought about 11 flies into my kitchen.  "Well, at least I'll have something to do" was my initial thought.  This will keep me busy for an hour or so.  Or so I thought.  Not so fast, Lauren.  The first fly was a goner in 30 seconds.  I thought it was a fluke.  So I continued after the second.  Boom! 15 seconds.  What the fuck!  "They can't be this dumb", I thought.  I decided to test their intelligence.  Weapon of choice: a one-inch long Russian match.  I killed 9 flies with this match in about 3 minutes; it only took that long because I wanted to see how slow I could come at them before they would fly away.  Conclusion: they don't.  It's almost as if they're begging to die.

Proof #2:  So, I sit down last night to reread my Newsweek for the third time, this time for the advertisements, when I hear an annoying zzzz...zzzz.  Here we go again.  So I get up to kill him remembering how dumb these flies are.  But, this one seems smarter than the average Dima.  I chase him around my apartment for 15 minutes (I'm easily entertained) when all of a sudden the fly does the weirdest thing.  He's on his back on the ceiling, flying in circles, like he can't figure out which way is up.  This continues for a good 2 minutes until he finally remembers how to fly again.  Then he flies directly down the hall into the living room, directly to the light and fries himself.  He literally landed right on the hot lightbulb and sat there screaming for some seconds.   And then I just saw a silhouette of him fall to the bottom of the light through the golden lampshade.   He killed himself.  WTF?

Cheap thrills.

Blitzkrieg by Turkeys

Some recent observations: 

1.  If you see an ear on the ground, it's real.  There are no fake ear gags here.

2.  The word for vacuum is pillosauce.  Coincidence?  Gross?

3.  You can never have enough florescent fake flowers or clocks set to the wrong time.  Or can you?

4.  If somebody asks you if you want some potatoes, they'll give you enough to feed the Red Army. I don't know how many potatoes they think a single girl can eat.

5.  If a tree is in the middle of the road, it's not growing there naturally.  It's a warning that the road is under construction.

6.  If you're a woman and you smoke, walk alone, or get a taxi, you are a prostitute.  Looks like I'm the dirtiest whore in town.

7.  Everyone knows what I eat because whatever I buy at the market is conversation the next day around town.

8.  Ukrainians love banana bread and mayonnaise with anything and everything.

9.  Example: a "shuba" (fur coat) salad- anchovies, beets, sour cream, cabbage, peas, egg, and mayonnaise.  Fucking NAST!  But they sure have a sense of humor.

10.  The rubbery lump in your soup is chicken heart.

11.  Trash cans?

12.  This is a tribute to my mother: She always said that it hurts to be beautiful, but does that include a blitzkrieg by turkeys?  Apparently the don't like red or magenta.  But, it's such a cute scarf.

Cabbage Rolls

She stands low to the fertile soil of this country with thick ankles and her high rubber boots keeping her firmly planted.  She loves to layer.  People here would say she dresses like a cabbage (or maybe just me) because under the boots is another pair of shoes, and from what I can tell, 2-3 layers of wool stockings.

You will never see her in pants, but rather a knee-length skirt that reveals the trunks of her legs.  Moving our way up to the top of her torso, I have to revert to speculation because I've never seen her without her coat on- even indoors.  Over this mass she continues with the earth-stained, long vintage coat (vintage by default, not fashion) being the top layer.  Underneath (speculation) I am able to see at least three more layers of clothing, which means there is probably 5-6.  A wool vest and two mismatched shirts- one of the floral variety, though variety of floral is indiscernible- play peek-a-boo from the sleeves of the coat.

At the end of these sleeves emerge solid, tick hands that look like they haven't been washed in days, maybe weeks.  Soil surrounds each nail, framing her hard, yellow fingernails.  Each digit looks like it's been individually calloused by years of fire and frost.  They look like petrified cocktail wieners (slightly longer).

She may or may not have a scarf around her neck, but she is sure to have one around her head.  Up till this point, the color scheme (liberal choice of words) is earth-toned (literally).  But the scarf around her head sticks out like an American in Ukraine.  There are two options for this scarf: 1) a brilliant green, royal blue, or marigold with a floral design and a gold thread woven in and out, 2) a solid florescent pink, yellow, or orange wool.  This scarf is tightly tied beneath her chin.  Sometimes so tight I find it amazing that the hairs on her chin don't fall out from loss of circulation.  They don't.

Her face looks 20 years older than she is.  Her eyes have sunken into her leathered skin and have turned gray along with her wiry hair.  She has a large, almost bulbous nose.  She has no lips, for they too play hide-and seek with her mouth.  Her mouth resembles a balloon knot, with one crucial difference.  Inside this knot, she hides the treasure.  She has a smile of gold- though rarely seen.

She is aggressive.  Being low to the ground, she has a lot of leverage when pushing you to get on to the marshrutka (fixed-route bus).  She never waits in the "line".  She doesn't smell good- poop: her own, goose, pig, turkey, goat.  But, she can make some damn good cabbage rolls.  In fact, this is what I often think of when I see her because she is shaped just like the traditional Ukrainian dish.

Who is this woman? She is the woman sweeping the sidewalks, the woman selling jarred mushrooms at the bazaar, the woman herding her geese, my neighbor, the woman who stole my seat on the bus, the woman who tells me I'm a slut for smoking.  She is the Ukrainian babusya.